So, this week ended up being more eventful than the last. I wrote and published two posts this week. One was a crazy short story and the other was a list of life lessons.
Apart from writing, it turned out to be a good week for the reader in me too. This week I started reading the Wired magazine. I know its not a new magazine but I stumbled upon it for the first time so its a big deal to me.
The entire week it was either cloudy or raining. There was absolutely no sunshine that I can remember. I have been in this part of India for less than a year. So, I don’t know if winter rains are a yearly event or this year its some special occurrence. In any case, it just reaffirmed my stance on rains. I HATE RAINS. And I hate winter rains the most.
Apart from the extreme cold and the inconveniences it causes, sun-less days just turn gloomy for me. I struggle to get out of bed when I am depressed and the cold – rainy weather makes it even more difficult.
Which brings me to my mental state for the week. I have been having trouble falling asleep. I struggle to get out of bed. I have been binge-watching a lot of Netflix. I am not leaving the apartment much. In short, it just feels like the beginning of a negative spiral pushing me deep into the darkness.
Next few weeks – I might be able to stop myself from going deep into depression. But then I might not be able to do that. If that’s the case, I hope I can still function enough to write. But this time, if I do go down the spiral and stop functioning, I won’t be hard on myself. I’ll let it be. I won’t overthink and make it worse for myself.
Sometimes I am glad being functional during the depression as it becomes too easy to hide it from everyone including my therapist and even myself. But on the other hand, I am absolutely terrified of the depression episodes when I am not able to function at all. That’s the worst and nearly impossible to get out of.
I guess I always think of the worst-case scenarios and then my mind does this thing where I start overthinking and coming up with all these different ways to ruin my life.
So, to summarize this week – I was able to build some momentum towards my writing and reading. Depression was a constant companion. Next week would be interesting.