The struggle continued this week. I did not write anything this week. No short story, no article, no work on any book projects. But I did start enjoying reading again. I spent most of my time reading. Currently, I am reading ‘Atomic Habits’ and ‘Elantris’.
Reading fiction helps me to escape reality. Sometimes that’s exactly what I need. In reality, I expect a lot from myself. In the fictional world, I am just a spectator. Watching the scenes but never participating. The curiosity of finding out how the hero is going to escape his current predicament keeps my mind from following the negative spiral it has weaved with such finesse.
As I write this I can actually taste the bitterness I try too hard not to feel. If only I could actually escape reality and live in the fantasy world. Well, in that I would be struggling to keep myself alive since the story I am currently reading is no fairytale.
But still, who doesn’t dream about escaping reality? Movies, TV Shows, any form of art and music, stories within the pages of books old and new, every picture ever taken, takes us someplace/sometime away from the current moment. Once in a while, we need that.
Towards the end of last week, I found myself at the edge of a negative spiral ready to head deep down. This week I was down. Then I took the help of my most trusted tool. This particular tool has proved its worth more times than I can count. But I don’t use it as much as I should. Now I have learnt that this tool is not just useful after I am deep in my depression episode. If used regularly, it has the capability of keeping me from falling too deep.
Of course, I am talking about Journaling. I know I should do it more regularly but so far I have only used it when I am feeling low. Now I am focused on making it an unbreakable habit. I am going to journal everyday no matter what. This is one thing that helps me no matter what.
When I am not in a condition to talk to anyone, the blank pages provide a safe space to bleed my heart out. Family and friends provide support but they are still humans with their own set of emotions which may get hurt by something I say. On the pages of paper, I can write anything I want without the fear of hurting anyone. I can be myself. It is so freeing. Journals are the most accommodating of friends. They won’t say anything even when you write the same story more than a hundred times. They wont judge you or blame you or make you feel weak. They won’t burden you with questions or assume you would bounce back within the time they think is acceptable.
So, to summarize this week I could say that I have been journaling like crazy and it has helped me a lot. At least it helped me reach a state where I am able to read books again. Hope is restored. I am not sure how soon I will be able to write again but for now, I am happy just to be on the recovery track.