ATTEMPTED HOMICIDE BY POISONED PRODUCE
Department: Enchanted Forest Police (EFP)
Division: Magical Crimes & Unnatural Occurrences Unit
Officer Reporting: Detective G. Charming, Badge #711
Date: October 13, 1937
Location: Cottage in the Woods, 7 Dwarf Lane
INCIDENT SUMMARY
At approximately 14:30 hours, this department received a frantic call from seven unidentified males (later identified as mining contractors) reporting an unresponsive female at the above location. Upon arrival, responding officers discovered the victim, one Ms. Snow White (DOB: Unknown, appears early 20s), lying unconscious in what can only be described as a ridiculously over-the-top glass coffin.
Preliminary investigation suggests victim ingested a poisoned apple provided by an elderly peddler woman who, according to witness statements, showed up uninvited and clearly skipped every “Stranger Danger” seminar ever offered in the Enchanted Forest.
The victim remains in critical condition, currently residing in aforementioned glass coffin because, according to the seven witnesses, “she looked too pretty to bury.” This department has filed a separate report with Health & Safety regarding improper body storage.
CRIME SCENE OBSERVATIONS
The scene can best be described as “Pinterest cottage meets industrial mining operation.” Key observations include:
Interior Conditions:
- One (1) cottage, approximately 800 sq ft, containing seven of everything—beds, chairs, plates, and an inexplicable amount of laundry
- Cleanliness level: suspiciously immaculate for seven bachelors (see Witness Statements regarding victim’s housekeeping arrangement)
- Kitchen area shows signs of recent baking activity (pie cooling on windowsill—seriously, who does that anymore?)
- No security system, doorbell camera, or even a basic deadbolt observed
Point of Contact:
- Front door found unlocked (AGAIN, see previous burglary reports filed by these same witnesses)
- No signs of forced entry, suggesting victim voluntarily opened door to suspect
- Witnesses confirm victim had been explicitly warned about opening doors to strangers approximately 47 times that morning alone
The Glass Coffin Situation:
- Custom-built glass coffin (est. value: $15,000-$20,000)
- Appears to have been constructed POST-incident
- Features include: gold trim, velvet interior, unnecessarily ornate hinges
- This investigator questions the witnesses’ priorities and budgeting skills
EVIDENCE COLLECTED
All evidence has been tagged, bagged, and secured in the EFP evidence locker (Fairy Godmother Wing, 3rd Floor):
Item 1: Apple core (partially eaten)
- Red exterior, cream interior
- Lab analysis confirms presence of deadly nightshade, arsenic, and what toxicologists are calling “cartoon villain levels” of poison
- Concentration so high that forensic team required hazmat suits for handling
- One bite mark visible; dental impression matches victim
- Remaining apple matter glowing faintly green (abnormal)
Item 2: Disguise kit recovered from forest perimeter
- One (1) tattered gray cloak
- One (1) fake wart (theatrical grade)
- One (1) wig, gray, “old hag” style
- One (1) wooden basket (apple residue detected)
- Professional quality costume pieces; suspect clearly invested in this operation
Item 3: Magic mirror fragments
- Recovered from suspect’s known residence during warrant execution
- Mirror reportedly responds to questions about comparative beauty (currently undergoing psychiatric evaluation)
- Voice analysis matches recordings from suspect’s previous noise complaints filed by neighbors
- Mirror placed on administrative leave pending internal investigation
Item 4: Glass coffin (see Crime Scene Observations)
- Being held as evidence despite witnesses’ protests
- “But she needs it!” is not a valid legal argument, gentlemen
Item 5: Basket of additional apples
- Found hidden in bushes near cottage
- All test positive for same poison cocktail
- Suspect apparently prepared for multiple attempts
- This level of premeditation is disturbing and will be noted in charging documents
WITNESS STATEMENTS
Seven witnesses were interviewed on scene. Their names (yes, these are their legal names, verified with DMV): Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy, and Dopey.
Witness 1 – “Doc” (apparent group spokesman): “We told her—I specifically told her—don’t open the door! We leave for work ONE time, ONE time, and we come back to find her unconscious on the floor with an apple in her hand! The old woman said it was a ‘wishing apple’ or some nonsense. Obviously suspicious! We’ve been trying to revive her for hours. True love’s kiss should work, according to page 47 of the Fairy Tale Medical Manual, but we’re fresh out of princes.”
Witness 2 – “Grumpy” (extremely uncooperative): “I TOLD YOU ALL THIS WOULD HAPPEN! Did anyone listen to Grumpy? NO! ‘Let her stay,’ they said. ‘She makes good pie,’ they said. Well, NOW LOOK! We’ve got a dead girl in a glass box in our living room, and I can’t even watch the evening news in peace! And before you ask—NO, I don’t have an alibi for when it happened. I was mining! We were ALL mining! That’s what we DO!”
Investigator’s note: Witness became increasingly agitated. Offered stress ball. He threw it at my head.
Witness 3 – “Happy” (disturbingly cheerful given circumstances): “Oh, she’s such a lovely girl! Always singing with the birds and the deer. The woodland creatures LOVE her! She cleans really well too—you should’ve seen this place before she arrived. Total disaster! We’re completely devastated by this tragic turn of events! Would you like some coffee? I just made a fresh pot!”
Investigator’s note: Declining emotional range noted. Possible shock.
Witness 4 – “Sleepy” (kept nodding off during statement): “yawn What? Oh, yeah… old woman… apple… Snow White ate it… yawn …then she fell down… we came home… found her… couldn’t wake her up… snore“
Investigator’s note: Interview conducted in three separate attempts due to witness repeatedly falling asleep mid-sentence. Cleared for narcolepsy-related disability accommodation.
Witness 5 – “Bashful” (face remained red throughout interview): “Well, um, you see… she’s very… blush …pretty, and, uh… the old woman came by and… blush …we weren’t home, and… oh my… is it hot in here? I’m sorry, I just get so… blush …nervous around authority figures.”
Investigator’s note: Statement ultimately useless but witness seemed to be trying his best.
Witness 6 – “Sneezy” (health code violation waiting to happen): “So we came home and—ACHOO!—she was just lying there and—ACHOO! ACHOO!—we tried everything to wake—ACHOO!—her up but nothing—ACHOO! ACHOO! ACHOO!—worked!”
Investigator’s note: Evidence may be contaminated. Requested full decontamination protocol.
Witness 7 – “Dopey” (non-verbal): Witness communicated entirely through exaggerated mime gestures, including but not limited to: fake eating an apple, falling down dramatically, looking sad, and making a throat-cutting gesture presumably meant to indicate death but which honestly just made this investigator uncomfortable.
Investigator’s note: Surprisingly, most helpful witness. His charades game is exceptional.
SUSPECT PROFILE
Primary Suspect: Queen Grimhilde
Aliases: “The Evil Queen,” “That Witch” (per witnesses), “Your Majesty” (per herself)
Age: Claims 38, probably 52
Occupation: Monarch, amateur chemist, apparent apple enthusiast
Residence: Castle on the Hill, 1 Vanity Lane
Background: Suspect has prior history with victim stemming from what can only be described as a deeply concerning obsession with being “the fairest in the land.” Palace sources (speaking on condition of anonymity) report that suspect consults a magic mirror daily about her appearance and flew into a murderous rage upon learning that victim had surpassed her in the beauty rankings.
Yes, you read that correctly. This entire attempted murder stems from jealousy over physical attractiveness. This investigator has seen many motives over a twenty-year career, but “victim was prettier” ranks among the pettiest.
Previous Incidents:
- Multiple reports of victim being sent into forest with huntsman under suspicious circumstances
- Huntsman (currently in witness protection) admits he was ordered to kill victim and bring back her heart as proof
- Huntsman claims he let victim go and returned with deer heart instead (fraud charges pending)
- Suspect apparently has no ability to tell difference between human and deer organs (noted for trial)
Known Capabilities:
- Expert in dark magic and potion brewing
- Access to extensive poison collection
- Shape-shifting abilities (explains elderly peddler disguise)
- Ownership of sentient mirror with concerning validation issues
Psychological Profile: Department psychiatrist describes suspect as “textbook narcissist with homicidal tendencies when ego is threatened.” Recommends maximum security facility with no reflective surfaces.
CASE ANALYSIS
This investigation reveals a premeditated attempt on victim’s life motivated by suspect’s vanity and jealousy. The evidence trail is overwhelming:
Motive: Suspect unable to cope with being ranked second in beauty Means: Advanced knowledge of poisons and magical disguises Opportunity: Victim left alone in cottage with no security measures
The suspect clearly invested significant time, resources, and effort into this scheme. The poison was specially formulated to be deadly yet somehow reversible by “true love’s kiss” (magical crimes are weird, people). The disguise was professional-grade. The apple was cosmetically perfect to avoid suspicion.
However, suspect made several critical errors:
- Bragged about plan to magic mirror (which, turns out, can be subpoenaed)
- Left disguise kit at scene perimeter
- Underestimated seven witnesses’ dedication to victim
- Didn’t account for glass coffin loophole (apparently death rules are different when you’re in decorative transparent container)
Regarding the “True Love’s Kiss” Solution:
Multiple witnesses and the fairy tale code statutes suggest victim can be revived via kiss from “true love.” This department has put out an APB for any available princes in the region. Three have responded so far:
- Prince Charming (different Charming, no relation to this investigator)
- Prince Florian (currently en route)
- Some guy named Derek who claims he’s technically a duke but “close enough”
We’re scheduled to conduct a “kiss test” lineup as soon as legal approves the consent forms. Yes, this is really what modern law enforcement has come to.
CASE STATUS
Current Status: OPEN – SUSPECT AT LARGE
Queen Grimhilde is currently wanted for:
- Attempted murder in the first degree
- Reckless endangerment
- Possession of poisonous substances with intent to distribute
- Breaking and entering (technically, since victim opened door under false pretenses)
- Fraud (peddler disguise)
- Seven counts of emotional distress (one per dwarf)
Warrant Status: ACTIVE
A warrant has been issued for suspect’s arrest. Suspect is considered ARMED (with magic) and DANGEROUS (to anyone prettier than her, which is approximately everyone).
If you see this woman, do NOT engage. Do NOT compliment her appearance. Do NOT mention mirrors, beauty contests, or the word “fairest.” Call the Enchanted Forest Police immediately.
Victim Status: Stable but unconscious
Medical prognosis remains dependent on locating “true love.” Family has been notified (father, the King, is reportedly “very upset” and has increased castle security to prevent further family members from being poisoned by jealous relatives).
Update: As of October 15, Prince Florian arrived and successfully administered true love’s kiss. Victim has made full recovery and is currently providing additional statement. Charges against Queen Grimhilde have been upgraded to attempted murder with magical enhancement. Suspect reportedly fled to remote mountain castle. Pursuit ongoing.
INVESTIGATING OFFICER’S NOTES
Twenty years on the force, and I’ve seen a lot. Dragon attacks, giant problems, bridge troll toll disputes—you name it. But this case takes the cake.
Here we have a grown woman so threatened by a younger woman’s appearance that she crafted an elaborate murder plot involving costume design, organic chemistry, and what I can only describe as “fruit-based warfare.”
The victim, meanwhile, despite being warned dozens of times, opened the door to a suspicious stranger offering unsolicited apples. In this economy. In THIS forest. After ALREADY surviving one assassination attempt.
Folks, I cannot stress this enough: STOP ACCEPTING FOOD FROM STRANGERS AT YOUR DOOR.
I don’t care if they’re selling Girl Scout cookies, offering free samples, or presenting a suspiciously perfect apple. If you didn’t order it, don’t eat it. This goes double if you’re currently hiding from someone who wants you dead.
And to the seven witnesses: invest in a security system. Ring doorbell, at minimum. Your cottage has been the site of multiple incidents now.
Case remains open until suspect is apprehended. In the meantime, the EFP is offering free workshops on door safety, stranger danger, and recognizing common fairy tale red flags.
Stay safe out there, Enchanted Forest.
Case Filed By: Detective G. Charming
Badge Number: 711
Signature: [Signed]
Date: October 16, 1937
Distribution: EFP Records, Fairy Tale District Attorney’s Office, Kingdom Department of Public Safety, Concerned Citizens for Apple Regulation
The Enchanted Forest Police Department is committed to protecting all residents from magical crimes, poison-based attacks, and questionable romantic problem-solving methods. Remember: See something? Say something. Especially if that something involves an old woman with suspiciously perfect produce.
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