Today is Valentine’s day which I am totally enjoying with my husband. But this year I am also celebrating this day of love with myself.
Since childhood, I was a rule follower and I was good at that. In school, rules were simple. Get good grades, obey teachers and don’t fight with other students. I did everything. I was always tagged as the ‘Good Girl’ of the class. This carried on in my college as well.
I had my share of disagreements but at least I knew what the rules were. It was then up to me to chose to follow them or to break them (which I did from time to time).
The office was not so different. Expectations were very clear. Deliverables and deadlines. Rules. Everything was clear. I agreed with some. Rebelled at others. But overall, it was straight forward. At least the external expectation part was pretty straight forward.
Then I got married, left my job and moved to a new city all in the span of a few months. Coming into this marriage alliance, I was given a rule book stating how to be a good wife and good daughter in law by my parents and practically every relative and even several friends. I thought my husband would give me remaining rules and there won’t be much confusion.
But my husband changed the game altogether. He threw away the rulebook and just expected me to be myself. This threw me off so badly. Suddenly I didn’t know what to do. What does it even mean to be me?
I am still learning. I am still finding myself one day at a time. One step at a time. This is freeing and scary at the same time.
I think I loved the structure of rules but looked externally for them. I never tried to see what rules I want for myself. Rather, I never really stopped and thought about what is it that I want. Now I have a chance to do exactly that.
So what happened this week – I had the above-mentioned realization. I am now actively exploring the aspects of myself I never even thought about. One of them is certainly loving myself as I am.
I have been my biggest critic for far too long. Now I need to be my own biggest supporter.
This week I wrote and talked a lot. I wrote in my journal. I wrote short stories which will soon be posted right here. I even wrote with a crazy vigour several chapters of my next book. Talks were long, deep and intense – just like I like them.
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