There are days when I can’t see anything clearly. Everything is either too dark or too blurry to make sense. Even the thoughts inside my mind do not make much sense. It all just seems too much. Too many thoughts generating too many emotions to comprehend. Am I supposed to deal with the anxiety that we are currently feeling with regards to the current pandemic or am I supposed to worry about my productivity? Or maybe what I need to focus my energy on are the various relationships in my life. Or maybe I need to take care of my physical and mental health before I can even attempt to think about anything else.
Anyone else felt exhausted just reading the above paragraph? I know I feel the burden I felt while writing it.
So right now at this particular moment, I chose something simple. I chose to make myself a cup of hot tea and right now I am sitting at my desk typing this, sipping my tea while my favourite playlist is playing. Right now at this moment, I chose not to think about anything else.
Soon I will finish this post and publish it. My tea will be over. Playlist all done as I close my laptop. Then I may have my next crying session (I have a feeling that all the tears were not shed in the last session). Or I may read or watch something or do something that therapists all over the world will say is the right thing (if only I figure out what exactly).
Thing is, I know all the nice things I should be doing to feel better. All the self-care and self-help and everything that we learn in therapy. It’s like I know all the theoretical concepts and I do practice them but it seems like I forget everything when I am down in the deep darkness.
By now I know how this cycle will go. I will stay down for a while. Then I will start climbing out one step at a time. I’ll stay up for a while and then the cycle will begin again.
Basically, it’s not the first time I am feeling lost and it certainly won’t be the last time. Sometimes I just feel lonely while I am feeling lost. Like I am all alone feeling this way. And I am sure I can’t be the only one. Maybe this post will be read by one person who is feeling as lost as I am feeling today. And maybe they will feel a little less lonely by reading this like I am feeling a little less lonely by writing this.