Shystoyteller

I have had a rough couple of weeks. So rough that I couldn’t get my head clear enough to write. This made me miss posting for the last two weeks. It’s not that long and I am pretty sure that no one missed or even noticed. But it mattered to me. I noticed and I missed writing.

Time kept going by at its usual speed even if I was struggling to keep up with it. Suddenly I find myself in a new Quater of this epic year. Uncertainty hasn’t yet decreased much. Watching new and social media is still a struggle for me. Externally I was struggling to find anything positive.

So naturally, I decided to shift my focus inwards. I found tools to help me deal with my mental issues or at least keep me from falling any deeper than I already was. Was it something new and groundbreaking? Something I never knew before?

No. Absolutely not.

It seems like all the time I spent in therapy and reading various books and learning more about myself provided me with some tools that I had stored away neatly waiting to be used during the appropriate time. What I needed to do was to shift my focus inwards.

And that’s what I did.

Shifted my focus inwards. Started building an internal support system.

I have dealt with depression since long before I even knew about the word ‘Depression’. But this is the first time I am actually feeling good because I am feeling prepared. I feel optimistic that I will be able to manage the next low phase.

Before 2020 started, I had decided that I won’t have any new year resolution. In hindsight, that turned out to be a really good idea. This is certainly not the year to take up any new resolution.

But this is certainly a good year to try and experiment with how best manage each day. It’s a good year to be a little easier on yourself. At least that’s what I am trying to do myself. If I feel low, then I tell myself that it’s all right to feel low. Half of the planet is feeling low probably. If I make some plans and then fail to reach my target, guess what, hardly anyone is reaching their target this year.

I am learning to show the same kindness to myself, I show others. I am learning to be kind to myself.

So when the rough days were over this time, I got more comfortable and confident. I got more ideas and made new plans. Maybe some plans will get de-railed. But right now I am just enjoying the process of planning. I am just enjoying every moment as much as I can.

I am learning to accept that I can’t change the external circumstances much so to rely on them is not such a good idea. I am learning how important it is to have an internal support system. Cos this is the only support system that will stay with me until I die.