Why this shy novice writer decided to journal online

Today started well. I went for a walk, then came back and meditated, wrote in my journal, had breakfast and even managed to wash my hair – which is a big deal for me. I need to confess that I don’t do any of these things regularly so it’s kind of a big deal for me to actually achieve all this before going to the office.

But even as I was going through the actions, instead of feeling happy or accomplished, I was feeling empty. Like a dark cloud permanently clouding my mind.

Writing while feeling such despair is a Herculean task. But writing is the only thing that can actually clear my head. A perfect catch 22.

My mind keeps on generating fictional stories and scenarios and I do not know how to tell them. I want to be a better storyteller. But every time I attempt to tell a story, the magic simply disappears. The scenes the characters, the dialogues which are so lively inside my head, turn really crappy as soon as it takes forms of words.

I read somewhere that first million words we write are bound to be crappy. This statement gives me hope. Because I have barely begun my writing journey. A million words is a long destination for me.

But it’s not an impossible task. If I write 500 words every day, I’ll reach my target in 5.5 years. If I practice a skill every day for more than 5 years, I doubt there is anything I can not learn.

I am not so regular in writing in my physical journal as well. Mostly I write once or twice a month, depending on what’s happening in my life. But then that’s the thing. I can barely remember what happened in my life. Sometimes it just feels like I get up, get ready, go to the office, come back, binge-watch and then sleep. Next day, the same cycle repeats. Days, weeks, months pass by and it becomes difficult to distinguish one day from another.

Like a zombie I keep moving, without a purpose, without knowing what I want.

I read a lot. Books, articles, anything at all. And these days any self-help or productivity book/article/YouTube-video keeps telling us how beneficial journalling is. Be it morning pages or journaling prompts, it is bound to change our lives. The only caveat is that we actually have to take the action. Actually, move our fingers over the keys or hold the pen in our hands. Otherwise, all the well-intentioned advise means nothing at all.

We can write in any manner. It can be in a notebook or on the back of a receipt. The medium doesn’t matter. Bleeding ink matters, flowing words matters. In fact, spelling and grammar too play a very limited role. So, I need to take action. Let the words get out of my mind’s prison.

I always used to wait for the perfect time or place to sit and write. I’ll write once I reach home. I’ll write when my laptop is charged. I am too tired to sit on my desk and you get the picture. Too many excuses.

If it’s important to you, you’ll make the time, else you’ll make an excuse.

I am not putting off writing anymore. I know it’s good for my mind and this is a dream I am not letting go. So, right now I am typing this on my phone. There are a lot of typos and I do not have spell checker tools like I have on my laptop. But you know what, it really doesn’t matter. I know I need to improve my spelling and grammar (after all English is my second language). But the only way I can improve my skills is by writing consistently.

I am feeling easy and relaxed about writing this journal entry describing my day because of the following reasons:

  1. I have maybe 2 readers – so no one is actually going to read this and the shy part of me will get the perfect opportunity to grow without getting overwhelmed in relative solitude.
  2. If I write at least 500 words daily, my writing is bound to improve.
  3. In order to write about my day, I will have to actually do something worth writing. I mean writing about my Netflix binge-watching sessions will get too embarrassing pretty soon.

So, to summarize my day, I had a productive morning then I reached office. I managed to finish most of my tasks and evening was spent taking work calls with various teams around the world. Then I had a nice homey dinner before I spent some time talking to my fiance who lives far far away from me.

Overall it was a good day.

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